Seven

and half of me isn't even; but loving you feels like heaven

Entry 22

How far will you go waiting for me? How much more time are you willing to give? How can you not give up already from all the sacrifices you made, from all the craps you have offered yourself, and from all the hurt and pain I have instilled on you? —L

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Hope <

I don’t know
anymore
Go with the flow
no more

Not getting anywhere
Cannot endure, nor bear
Thought this was it
But thought alone’s such shit

Help me,
I dare you
Save me,
don’t say adieu

Falling from atop
Crashing into pieces
One moment at full stop
Another when dawn braces

Can’t figure out
So lost, so in doubt
Need to go away
I think I’ve gone astray

Maybe someday
I’ll find a way
But now darkness folds in
Blinded deep within

Need to be wise
Cover all lies
Let me escape and then
Make me believe again

Restored truth

The truth about Jenny is that she’s good.
Good in academics and way back in her childhood.
But one day, came a sudden problem,
a sudden rash in a fallen pollen.

Away she went from the virtues she knows.
Got along to her new friends who said they have no woes.
She changed outfit to look admirable,
and pleased the society ever so hypercritical.

The girl has gone astray, lost, and misplaced.
She felt alone and so depressed.
Even with the beauty and fame,
there are still some things missing in the frame.

So she washed the make up, and washed the dirt.
The dirt she thought that wasn’t going to hurt.
She wore her plain shirt and jeans again,
and tore the ones she thought were for reign.

Standing still, she saw a figure,
a figure that looks like serendipity in mixture.
In the mirror, she saw a reflection,
a face made bold in strength and devotion.

From within she discovered,
the truth behind make ups and covers,
they make you pretty,
but will never conceal it until infinity.

So she went back on her good old ways.
She went back to her mother who really stays.
The truth about Jenny is that she’s good.
The truth about beauty is that it’s in you.

One in a million

All it would take is just one day.

One day, to know the love of my life.

aaaaaI will know his name.
aaaaaI will feel his presence.
aaaaaI will touch him.
aaaaaFeel his hand in mine.
aaaaaI will look at him.
aaaaaI will see his eyes.
aaaaaHe will see right through me.
aaaaaBecause he knows it too.
aaaaaHe feels it too.

He will be my God-given love.
I have been waiting for him.

And he will be here.
Maybe beside me, or right there in front of me.

We will share our life together.
All the happiness, and sorrow.
All the pain, we will endure.
We will share our dreams and passion.
We will accept every mistake and failure.
aaaaaWe will love.

We will be a family.
A bond.
A vow.
A promise that would not be broken.
A future that is well-dreamed of.
A life.

aaaaaWe will be broken and will be mended.
aaaaaWe will be lost and will find our way back again.

Because God is there to keep us.
aaaaaTo help us.
aaaaaTo heal us.
aaaaaTo restore us.
aaaaaTo love us.

He is the One,
the only One,

the reason,

the match-maker,
the love expert,

the only answer

aaaaain how we find each other in love.

And I will be forever grateful.

I will be forever waiting.

For him.

aaaaaaaaaaOne day.

Why

There was this moment, this tiny moment, when it just hit me hard that you have already realized I am not the one. Finally. I am happy that you have moved on from me because that is what I want. That’s the best thing to do.

But there’s a shot right in my chest it hurts. Is this really what I want? Because somehow the pain succeeds deeper…right in my heart.

The grasp that you know what my answer would be when you asked me back then, I didn’t feel the pain you had because we were in two different courses. I had neglected your feelings but never did I pushed you away. It was not you all along. Because you know I still want the bond we created to continue. That is what I want. But what had just happened? What’s with all the awkwardness, the greeting part whenever-we-see-each-other no more, the feeling of pushing away and going nowhere?

From all of these I have understood more of the situation. I realized that as you moved on from the feeling you had for me, you also carried away the friendship that we have.

That we ever had.

So now I am feeling the pain you had sensed back then.

And you have bid your farewell without having to say any goodbyes.

Her musing

You know what’s sad sometimes?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaIt’s when all of a sudden, you reminisce the memories you

aaaaaaaaahad with the people you shared your life with back then,

aaaaaaaaaand you want to rewind the past, and somehow you do

aaaaaaaaafeel that you’re still close to them.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAnd they don’t.

Prove me wrong

i do

13th of June

A flashback.

One body. One face. One look. One smile. One moment.

Just one moment and a hundred of memories come back to life—even in the slightest tick of time. And somehow they cling on you, the time going slower, and you see the life you had with them back then, and they hold on for a couple more seconds.

Like earlier, when I saw him riding his bike. He and his white skin I always get jealous about. He and his face that glows with experiences. He and his being a big brother to me.

A kuya who told jokes and played street games with us even after dinner time. Laughed with us over silly things. Had time with us just to know us better. And for the special part, he was the kuya who taught me how to ride a bike.

Yes. Bike.

I don’t know but it will be my forever favorite memory from him. Without his guidance and words of support, I won’t be out there enjoying the ride. Without the wounds and bruises that instilled on my skin, I will always have this fear of falling and of losing control. Surely, everyone we meet in everyday of our lives has a purpose. Shaking hands and exchanging smiles with them are never an accident.

Even though we’re just separated by blocks, we don’t talk much and not that close now. We are living among our lives. But it is good to say that at least we had connections, time spent together, and brief stories we told one another, that will remain in the fruitful side of our past.

And I know for a fact, as I travel along the roads with my trusty old bike, feeling the breeze of air on my face, sightseeing people and places, that he was the reason behind me doing these. The birth of me knowing this.

So thank you.

An open message (for the birthday boy)

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A grade-schooler. A gamer. A dancer. A clown for some days, so serious some other times. Ever the curious. (And couldn’t tie his own shoes.) The self-learner, the food lover. Shy type outside but a crazy kiddo inside. A son. A brother. My little brother. My enemy and my friend. A blessing. And today is your tenth year of living…

Happy birthday kid! You are growing up so fast! Last time I checked, I was just bathing you and making you drink your milk. Now, you are out there with your bike and you have your own Facebook account. And someday you’ll explore more about yourself, about the world. You’ll be taller than me, get smarter than me, see the the places that I’ve seen, feel the things that I’ve felt…but I wouldn’t worry about that for now. Because this now is what matters, this today that you are celebrating. This spectacular now that will be put somewhere in your favorite days. I know that you have a lot more to go through. But doncha worry, there is no need to rush. Just enjoy and do your thing, okay? (Okay.)  Be this 10-year old boy that you want to be. I’m just right at your back.

Love Ate 🙂

 

 

That day, it was revealed

I had this one day to know a secret.

Your secret, to be exact.

It was all over me all of a sudden. Plastered on my lips, gripped among my thoughts, held at the tips.

But I guess, that this hush-hush isn’t really that to be excited to. To be lived through, and to get much from. But you are my friend, the closest among the rest, and that I am honoured and in joy to be trusted upon to know and keep this.

And because of the fact that this secret is about your special someone.

And I was in joy to know that part.

Classes started, half-hour breaks were tended, chit-chats have been going on and on, and I waited until dismissal.

And finally, I had this time to know the secret.

I asked, you hesitated to answer.

Then the talk went to different matters, to diverted views. And we just laughed the whole time and thought through things.

But then I went back, and asked you again.

You paused. You looked away. You cleared your throat. You registered my way. You turned to me. You hesitated, for the most part.

I questioned you through my eyes—and through your eyes I found the answer.

I didn’t know how to react. To say words in response.

I knew it now.

All along,

I am the secret.